DON’T DRINK AND DREAM

I had a dream the other night.

I was below .05 on the DreamScale, so I can’t be charged with semi-impaired dreaming.

It was a dream about the upcoming summer of 2012, when Charlene and I had enjoyed some wine on the patio at Buon Giorno Italian Ristorante, and were heading home.

Out of the blue – a checkstop.

Should be no worries.

OFFICER:  Good evening.

LOVE:  Good evening.

OFFICER:  Anything to drink tonight?

LOVE:  Yup.  We had some wine.

OFFICER:  OK.  I am going to ask you to take a breathalyzer test.  Are you OK with that?

LOVE:  No problem.

(Test is taken, and the results are .05).

The officer stands up, pulls a card out of his fluorescent green vest, and reads the following:

OFFICER:  Mr. Love, you have broken no law.  You are being charged with nothing.  You have been convicted of nothing.  You have harmed no one.  Nonetheless, you have no opportunity to object or appeal what I am about to do.

Therefore, by the powers vested in me by the government, I am confiscating your vehicle, and suspending your driving privileges for three days.

LOVE:  Is this a Monty Python episode?

OFFICER:  A what…?

LOVE:  Never mind – before your time.

But listen, if I have broken no law, have not been charged with anything, nor convicted of anything, I still don’t understand how you can confiscate my car?  I need it for work.

OFFICER:  By the powers vested in me by the  government, I am empowered to seize your private property because you have broken no law, been charged with nothing, and convicted of nothing.  However, because I have an apprehension that something bad MAY happen, I am confiscating your car, notwithstanding the fact that you are apparently a law-abiding upstanding citizen of our City.

LOVE:  Have I slipped through a rip in the fabric of the universe and been transported to North Korea?

OFFICER:  No – this is Alberta.

LOVE:  OK.  So, I am THINKING of robbing a bank.  Am I eligible for 3 to 5 with time off for good behaviour?

OFFICER:  Beats me.  I just do traffic.

MRS. LOVE:  Officer, I need the family car to drive my daughter to a skating competition in Red Deer the day after tomorrow.

OFFICER:  Well Mrs. Love, if your husband would stop NOT breaking the law, this situation would not occur.

LOVE:  Is there any way I can appeal this arbitrary roadside confiscation of my personal property by the state?

OFFICER:  I’m not a lawyer.  All I know is:  three points safe of point zero eight and you are still busted.

By the way sir, are you in favour of drunk driving?

LOVE:  Of course not. But if I am not legally impaired, and if I have broken no law, and neither been charged or convicted of anything, then civil liberties, the Charter of Rights, the rule of law, and limits on the right of the state to seize private property are actually quite important to me.

OFFICER:  Well, talk to the politicians about that.

LOVE:  So, do I just call a cab?

OFFICER:  Up to you.  Having broken no law, having been formally charged with nothing, and having been convicted of nothing, you are free to go without your car, and you are free to take cabs for the next three days.  Keys please.

LOVE:  Who pays for the towing charge and the fees at the impound lot?

OFFICER:  I’ll give you one guess.  Thank you again for not driving while legally impaired.

LOVE:  I hear Pyongyang is nice this time of year…

 

Posted By Rod Love

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    1. [...] But of course, Redford hasn’t made everyone happy. When she rammed through tougher drinking and driving legislation some Tories openly rebelled. Rod Love, the party’s most famous backroom boy, was so upset he openly ridiculed the new law in his blog. [...]

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